Who am I?

That’s a question that’s been rattling around in my brain quite a bit recently. I haven’t had a drink in a few weeks, and if you don’t realize what a substantial statement (and non-action) that is, you haven’t hung around with me in the past few years.

I’m trying to stay sober. For good. (And that plays on both the temporal and the behavioral levels.)

But I’m starting to realize that I don’t really know who I am any more. It’s been so long since I’ve examined myself, that it’s hard to tell. I’ve spent so much time sitting at bars getting plastered that I haven’t taken the time to look within and figure myself out. Who am I? What do I want? What’s important to me?

I know I want a rich inner life. That’s important to me. And maybe that’s the first step on this voyage to acknowledging and realizing who I am.

I feel like there was a time in my past — before I started drinking a ton — when I wrote and read and spent most of my time moping about over coffee that I at least had a better understanding of who I am (or was at that point in my life anyway).

And so now I’m trying to get back to that. To those activities and thoughts and feelings that reveal my true self.

At the same time, I’m trying to remain open to anything and everything which may help me in this effort — be it philosophical, religious, psychological, rhetorical or what-have-you.

I don’t mean to say I’m aiming to become a Bible thumper. I think we all know that’s not me. But, as they say in Alcoholics’ Anonymous Big Book, “Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.” The fundamentalists obviously aren’t right about “intelligent design”/creationism or when they display utter hypocrisy, but compassion and patience and service are all modes of living/qualities the world’s religions teach (and can also be obtained through some philosophies and, I like to think, rational reflection) that can be used by anyone.

I’ve talked to Misty recently about trying meditation. Not only will it give us something new to do together, and whatever “Higher Power” you believe in knows that I also need something else to keep me occuppied now that drinking isn’t an option. But, probably most important, I think I need something to help calm my mind. And I think Misty would agree that she could use a similar exercise.

I’m currently reading William James’ The Varieties of Religious Experience. It’s an enlightening and enjoyable read. He writes as well as his brother, but with fewer commas.

A couple of nice excerpts:

One need remain in hell no longer than one chooses to; we can rise to any heaven we ourselves choose; and when we choose so to rise, all the higher powers of the Universe combine to help us heavenward.

– R. W. Trine: In Tune with the Infinite, 26th thousand, N.Y. 1899. (As quoted in William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience.)

That, in itself, is enough reason for me to stop drinking. I don’t need to hit rock-bottom as some alcoholics have. In fact, I’d prefer not to lose Misty and my family and my pets and my home over a liquid in a bottle.

And my reason for seeking meditation and reconnecting with innermost self?

It is but giving your little private convulsive self a rest, and finding that a greater Self is there. The results, slow or sudden, or great or small, of the combined optimism and expectancy, the regenerative phenomena which ensue on the abandonment of effort, remain firm facts of human nature, no matter whether we adopt a theistic, a pantheistic-idealistic, or a medical-materialistic view of their ultimate causal explanation.

– William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience

There are things I know I want. I want to be with Misty. I want puppy-lovin’ from Jeff and George each morning. I want Mel, the parrot, to like me. I want to sit and ruminate in the quiet of my new house. And I want to know myself again; not the lies or mistakes I told myself when I was drunk.

I know this entry probably makes no sense to you. It barely does to me. I’m scatterbrained — I have been for a few weeks now. I thought I had something more concrete, unambiguous, pertinent and able to be verbalized than I’ve ultimately written. But here it is. Maybe it will make sense as my journey inward progresses.

– William